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OutFunny!

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I just hope their harebrained scheme to get Q-Tip's mom to marry Ford's dad works out.
13
The mom was phone.
10
Sanders unsure when the world turned into 'such a fag'.
9
I've tried Shart-Milk. Is that the same thing?
8
In Soviet Russia, backwards R is triple letter score!
8
Farting in an elevator and then pushing buttons for all floors. Straight to hell for that.
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As someone in a long-term committed relationship with a sunbeam I don't find this amusing at all.
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I'll bet even money that tomorrow he's wearing some kind of sombrero.
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Hitchiker turns the volume down during the sax solo in Pink Floyd's "Money"
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A soul-searing ironic glare from an underweight hipster
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It’s important that your child’s name reflects their personality. My son, Saddam Adolf Bin-Stalin, doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer!
6
2 things not generally known about me #1 my dick is the same size as 2 Argos pens end-to-end and #2 im now banned from all Argos stores
6
The old eating Bugles while watching esoteric pornography.
6
It got me interested in what other liquids I might be able to harvest from sea creatures. Next up, the sperm whale!
6
Didn't know what "rimjob" meant until now - great little timbit of information.

Time Traveler Tells 15-Year-Old Self, "You can't love the novel Ender's Game"

Time Traveler Tells 15-Year-Old Self, "You can't love the novel Ender's Game"

Norm Rilke, a 39-year-old Women's Studies PhD candidate who is constantly reminding himself to check his privilege, has accomplished something far outside his field of study.

For months he has suffered extreme guilt over the fact that, as an impressionable 15-year-old, he had spent three weeks of one lonely summer pouring over the Nebula Award winning classic Ender's Game.

Since it has subsequently emerged that author Orson Scott Card opposes gay marriage, Rilkes has experienced no shortage of guilt over his love of the novel or that he was once a card-carrying member in the Card fanclub.

While obviously denying any affinity for Card while attending anti-Ender's Game protests, at the salons he attends, and in in-class discussions, Rilke has found it impossible to quell his internal guilt, and finds he has encountered a privilege, the privilege of a straight white male who enjoyed an excellent piece of science fiction in 1988, that he simply cannot check.

While building a time machine was considerably outside Rilke's area of expertise as a person who studies primarily privilege-checking, sometimes a fiery ideological passion overcomes technical know-how.

When he finally emerged from his time-pod in 1988, both his parents and his 15-year-old self had plenty of questions, largely irrelevant, like, "How does time travel work?" "Is the future as great as we imagined?" and "Do you own a flying car?"

But Rilke would hear none of it. He grabbed his 15-year-old self by the shoulders and said, "Listen young man, you don't know it, but this very summer you will commit an act of intolerance that is on par with the genocide of the American Indian or the imprisonment of Japanese workers during World War 2 right here in Canada."

"Oh my God, what will I do?" asked his younger self.

"You will enjoy an anti-war novel by a man who will eventually take a strong stand against gay marriage."

Since the majority of people in 1988 did not yet universally support gay marriage, Rilke's parents and young Rilke himself responded with a lot of shoulder shrugging and confused eye squints.

"So…" young Rilke eventually said.

"Well, in 2013 that won't be allowed."

The older Rilke, devoid of all but this last bit or privilege, then took the paperback of the page-turning classic and tried to ceremonially burn it, but it didn't really catch fire, and he ended up just kind of diva-ishly throwing it out the back door.

At which point his father called him a "fag" and Rilke remembered why he went into women's studies in the first place and how much inherited privilege he'd really had to check.

Unfortunately, he'd gotten the settings on his time pod wrong and was returned to the year 2091, in which a totalitarian leftist regime was so concerned about privileges going unchecked that the common man like Rilke wasn't allowed to leave his jail-like 3 x 4 foot space cube.

If you had a time machine, what would you tell your 15-year-old self?

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JOKE - SCORE: 5

by Ron Q. Dandelion (80)
Sleep with more borderline fat chicks.


JOKE - SCORE: 2

by El Foosballo (73)
At the end of the story there's a twist - you turn out to be a fat loser.


JOKE - SCORE: 1

by Dirk Hayhurst (6)
Survivor is not the greatest televisual phenomenon of your lifetime, feel free to go to those high school football games instead.


JOKE - SCORE: 4

by Courtney Gilmour (15)
Apparently you have a thing called 'Bitchy Resting Face' and there's basically no cure. Quit being an actual bitch, though.


JOKE - SCORE: 2

by PaleoCat (49)
For God sake - spend more time playing "Magic the Gathering"!!!!


JOKE - SCORE: 0

by chearn73 (7)
The money is under the dresser.


JOKE - SCORE: 3

by Dirk Hayhurst (6)
The porn you masturbate to in the future will be way, way, way worse.


JOKE - SCORE: 2

by Leon S Kennedy (58)
Don't follow your dreams. Get that degree in Hotel & Restaurant management like your Dad told you too.


JOKE - SCORE: -1

by Ron Q. Dandelion (80)
Don't squeeze at pimples, it only makes them worse.


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