A downtown Toronto woman has planned a murderous coup against
the guy who rides that little salt-mobile on the sidewalk and salts
the ever-loving shit out of the sidewalk.
"Three pairs of Michael Kors boots, a pair of Stuart Weitzmans,
and a very lovely pair of Frye knee-highs last year alone.
Eaten by salt," said Rebecca Hamilton, "Okay so it gets icey, and
old people might fall. But do the geniuses running this city
understand that sodium has consumed $1480 worth of my footwear last
year alone? Do they get that old people are really just a
burden on the system, leeching off young stylish people like
myself? I'd rather see a hundred grandmas with broken hips a
year than lose one pair of Jeffrey Campbells to salt"
Hamilton, estimating she has lost approximately $18,000 in
footwear to salt over the years, has staked out the route of one of
those salt-mobile guys, and plans to knock him off his stupid
little perch with a baseball bat, and then cave his skull in with
vicious blows to the head.