A promotional tour for RoboCop's new law enforcement awareness
campaign took an unexpected turn for the personal when the titanium
avenger mourned his missing penis.
"Half man, half machine, all eunuch", he mused in a flat
"It's just frustrating, you know? I'm the most perfect incarnation
of the powerful man-gun fantasy ever created, but now the gun
really is a substitute for a penis. I didn't sign up to be a
bulletproof Freud metaphor. I can record the hottest of bodies in
microscopic detail, recording every millisecond for slow-motion
replay - seriously, the largest part of my memory bank is now spank
bank - but all I can do is buff my Teflon non-stick crotch."
Robocop's head tilted forward at precisely 35.7 degrees to
indicate sadness and introspection.
"Protect the innocent, Serve the public trust, Uphold the law,
Forget that you've been castrated. Those should be my directives.
It's even worse in this new remake. They left me with a nice fleshy
right hand and nothing to do with it. And that is really the only
reason to give a robot man a hand made of skin instead of metal.
I'd swear they were taking the piss out of me if they didn't have a
special hose for doing that already."
As of the time of printing, RoboCop was looking thoughtfully at an
industrial vacuum cleaner and asking if anyone had a