Despite being the most popular sport and entertainment product
in the world, no one noticed when NFL President Roger Goodell
cancelled every single NFL game and replaced them on television
with four-hour blocks of commercials.
"The average football game has 11 minutes of action, and over
100 commercials. We aren't stupid. People just want to
sit there and spectate. Or they've got nowhere else to
be. It can't be for those 11 minutes. I mean half those
plays are two yard runs," said Goodell.
Initially there was concern that viewers wouldn't stick around
for three consecutive four-hour blocks, so the league decided to
use the technique that had been keeping people up until 1am to
watch 11 minutes of action for decades: Air the shittiest
commercials from 1 to 4, when people are most amped up for a nice
block of NFL programming, and then increase the production value by
200% for the 4pm block, and then pull out every stop available for
the 8pm block, using commercials shot with 75 cameras, Carrie
Underwood, and a hologram of Hank Williams Jr. since the original
Hank Williams Jr. is too racist.
At homes around the nation not a single fuck was given. "Let's
face it, I want to sit on a chair for four hours, eat a lot of
high-sodium snacks, and have some excuse to do it. These
four-hour NFL commercial blocks are as good a reason as those
boring games," said avid contrarian Dave Winwood, who is a
contrarian about everything except his love of NFL content, which
is really a love for endless commercials.
While there was some minor confusion at stadiums, this was soon
quelled when jumbotrons around the league began airing ads for
Little Caesar's cheesy bites and various boner pills on the