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NFL Replaces All Games With Four Hours of Commercials, Zero Fucks Given by Still-Captive Audience

NFL Replaces All Games With Four Hours of Commercials, Zero Fucks Given by Still-Captive Audience

Despite being the most popular sport and entertainment product in the world, no one noticed when NFL President Roger Goodell cancelled every single NFL game and replaced them on television with four-hour blocks of commercials.

"The average football game has 11 minutes of action, and over 100 commercials.  We aren't stupid.  People just want to sit there and spectate.  Or they've got nowhere else to be.  It can't be for those 11 minutes.  I mean half those plays are two yard runs," said Goodell.

Initially there was concern that viewers wouldn't stick around for three consecutive four-hour blocks, so the league decided to use the technique that had been keeping people up until 1am to watch 11 minutes of action for decades:  Air the shittiest commercials from 1 to 4, when people are most amped up for a nice block of NFL programming, and then increase the production value by 200% for the 4pm block, and then pull out every stop available for the 8pm block, using commercials shot with 75 cameras, Carrie Underwood, and a hologram of Hank Williams Jr. since the original Hank Williams Jr. is too racist. 

At homes around the nation not a single fuck was given. "Let's face it, I want to sit on a chair for four hours, eat a lot of high-sodium snacks, and have some excuse to do it.  These four-hour NFL commercial blocks are as good a reason as those boring games," said avid contrarian Dave Winwood, who is a contrarian about everything except his love of NFL content, which is really a love for endless commercials.

While there was some minor confusion at stadiums, this was soon quelled when jumbotrons around the league began airing ads for Little Caesar's cheesy bites and various boner pills on the market.

Are you having the gang over for the new NFL Content Block?

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JOKE - SCORE: 3

by Ron Q. Dandelion (80)
This is great. Now I can skip the whole four hours on my DVR instead of just 3 hours and 50 minutes.


JOKE - SCORE: 1

by Mike Hunt (40)
Now my buddies and I can finally watch the Gilmour Girls marathon, instead.


JOKE - SCORE: 2

by El Foosballo (73)
Remember the Refrigerator Perry? If I met him, I'd be like "Hey man - is your Fridge running? Better go catch it!"


JOKE - SCORE: 1

by BookDirt (43)
I'ma need some more Ro-Tel dip.


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