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I just hope their harebrained scheme to get Q-Tip's mom to marry Ford's dad works out.
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As someone in a long-term committed relationship with a sunbeam I don't find this amusing at all.
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Contrarian Dave's Column: Why We Shouldn't Celebrate The Batkid

Contrarian Dave's Column:  Why We Shouldn't Celebrate The Batkid

Most of you have probably seen or heard about the Batkid.  If not, he's a kid recovering from Leukemia whom the Make-A-Wish foundation helped realize his goal of being Batkid for a day.  Thousands volunteered, he saved damsels in distress, tangled with The Riddler, received a call from Obama.  It was shared all over the Internet as a heart-warming story. 

Let me tell you whose heart wasn't warmed.  Whose heart remains the approximate temperature of a refridgerator during all this, Dave Fuckin' Winwood that's who.  First, let me express my distaste over this scam they call the Make-A-Wish foundation.  I suffer from asthma.  That's a legit medical condition.  You think any of my 624 wishes have ever been granted?  My wish to have John Cena come over to my house and mow my lawn in nothing but a jock strap:  Denied!  My wish to have Selena Gomez come over and clean my apartment in her underwear:  Denied!  Yet, here I am, occasionally gasping for breath when I have to run and don't have my inhaler handy, wishes going unful-friggin'-filled.

But that's not my real beef.  My real beef is that that kid doesn't deserve to be the Batkid.  I deserve to be the Batkid.  Does he have every issue of Detective Comics from 1977 to 1983?  You better believe he does not.  I Skyped with that little shitbird under the guise of being a well-wisher, and let me tell you he didn't know Frank Miller from Frank Costanza.  He's just another pleb jumping on the populist bandwagon of Batman enthusiasm after those dreadful Christopher Nolan movies. 

Some of you may find this hard to believe, but when asked, he had no idea who Adam West was. No idea whatsoever. Now I realize he is a child, so all I'm asking is we take away the costume, he writes some kind of letter of apology, clearly states that he is not The Batkid, and just goes away, out of the public eye. Seriously, noone is more sympathetic to sick children than I am, but fuck that kid man, fuck him, fuck him.

Dave Winwood, Special to OutFunny!

What would your insane make-a-wish be?

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JOKE - SCORE: 5

by Ron Q. Dandelion (80)
Pull ever so gently on Dave Winwood's beard until he's forced to make a firm decision about his sexuality.


JOKE - SCORE: 1

by Leon S Kennedy (58)
Hand-to-hand combat with the young William Shatner.


JOKE - SCORE: -1

by Potsy (8)
High tea with Mr. Noam Chomsky


JOKE - SCORE: 4

by BookDirt (43)
To manage the first-ever Native American boy band, Off Da Rez.


JOKE - SCORE: 1

by Potsy (8)
Staredown with Larry David


JOKE - SCORE: 3

by Mike Hunt (38)
To be the filling in an Oprah/ Kim Kardashian sandwich.


JOKE - SCORE: 1

by El Foosballo (73)
That this article didn't end on a cliff-hanger.


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