Most of you have probably seen or heard about the Batkid.
If not, he's a kid recovering from Leukemia whom the Make-A-Wish
foundation helped realize his goal of being Batkid for a day.
Thousands volunteered, he saved damsels in distress, tangled with
The Riddler, received a call from Obama. It was shared all
over the Internet as a heart-warming story.
Let me tell you whose heart wasn't warmed. Whose heart
remains the approximate temperature of a refridgerator during all
this, Dave Fuckin' Winwood that's who. First, let me express
my distaste over this scam they call the Make-A-Wish
foundation. I suffer from asthma. That's a legit
medical condition. You think any of my 624 wishes have ever
been granted? My wish to have John Cena come over to my house
and mow my lawn in nothing but a jock strap: Denied! My
wish to have Selena Gomez come over and clean my apartment in her
underwear: Denied! Yet, here I am, occasionally gasping
for breath when I have to run and don't have my inhaler handy,
wishes going unful-friggin'-filled.
But that's not my real beef. My real beef is that that kid
doesn't deserve to be the Batkid. I deserve to be the
Batkid. Does he have every issue of Detective Comics from
1977 to 1983? You better believe he does not. I Skyped
with that little shitbird under the guise of being a well-wisher,
and let me tell you he didn't know Frank Miller from Frank
Costanza. He's just another pleb jumping on the populist
bandwagon of Batman enthusiasm after those dreadful Christopher
Some of you may find this hard to believe, but when asked, he
had no idea who Adam West was. No idea whatsoever. Now I realize he
is a child, so all I'm asking is we take away the costume, he
writes some kind of letter of apology, clearly states that he is
not The Batkid, and just goes away, out of the public eye.
Seriously, noone is more sympathetic to sick children than I am,
but fuck that kid man, fuck him, fuck him.
Dave Winwood, Special to OutFunny!