Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? What about walking and having empathy? Well, the latest discovery in medical science is guaranteed to cure you of those ailments, and much more, if you're ever lucky enough to get your hands on it.

The same ingredient that has kept nature's greatest predator on top of the food chain for over 420 million years, has been one of the best kept secrets for over 420 million years. From Greek philosophers to Egyptian priests, a single substance can be tracked throughout the annals history. Now, through the marvels of modern technology, it's finally here: SHARK MILK.

Until recently, the logistics of obtaining the milk of a lactating great white shark made it a near impossibility for scientific testing. However, recently, in an underwater laboratory, a team of scientists have formulated a method of doing just that, and it isn't by harvesting baby great white sharks that recently nursed. Beginning with their proprietary method of procurement, that is not that one, the team's exhaustive research has uncovered the amazing effects of this rare elixir.

Like all great scientists, the first thing they did was put it in their mouths. What they experienced, they all agreed, was literally the most amazing thing they had ever tasted. Unbelievably, however, they all disagreed on what it tasted like. They discovered that the molecular makeup of the milk conformed to the tastebuds and mood of each person. This anomaly makes it the most delicious thing you've ever tasted, every time you taste it. As incredible as that discovery was, the team soon realized that it's significance paled in comparison to the social and moral implications that were soon to follow.

Not only did drinking the great white shark milk make them happy-like, disturbingly happy-it also made them incredibly self confident. Along with their newly acquired self image, they no longer felt the need appease others by putting the toilet seat down or calling their moms, to make sure they took their medicine. They all reported elevated feelings of elation upon every insensitive thing they did or said. At this point, they really started to be rude to the crew members, so each scientist was quarantined to separate holding areas. Within two hours of isolation, they all independently came to the conclusion that everyone was just jealous. While it was true, no one showed it outright, so that part was probably just a lucky guess. After each scientist simultaneously broke up with "everyone", they decided to fly away. Now, this is where things got weird. After exactly twenty seconds of intense cardio workouts, they bragged that they weren't even breathing hard, then all but one of them imploded. The remaining scientist then began to levitate several inches above the ground and passed directly through the walls of his holding room. Then, moments after he called them all nerds, he passed through the outer walls of the laboratory and also imploded. This one probably wasn't related to the others, though. The underwater laboratory was several miles below the surface of the ocean, so it was more likely due to the incredible pressure.

If anything thing was clear to the remaining members of the crew, it was that the scientists had all become really awesome. In fact, after writing a poorly constructed report of the events, they drank the remainder of the shark milk, and condescendingly met the same grizzly end as their predecessors.

Needless to say, this is a real game-changer. There will undoubtedly be a surge of people attempting to catch female great white sharks, but this is in no way a good idea. A great white shark will eat you. Honestly, you would probably be better off just murdering a baby shark that recently nursed.